It is always so interesting to read my previous writings; gives me a sense of direction. So when I bumped into this one now I was taken aback, this was written on the 6th of March 2011 and this is exactly my current position…still!! This made me realise that God will not move you forward until you have overcome whatever He needs you to overcome and also it made me see that I have been struggling with the same thing for years now and the emotional fallout off that has actually started to flow into other areas of my life as well. This need to stop. Hopefully this is the last time that I write about this topic from this perspective.
… Dennis when will I (GOD) be enough for you?
This question has been haunting me now for weeks if not months.
Revelation crept into my thoughts whilst making plans to pursue a girl, (let’s call her Eve), whilst making plans to spend time with Eve, whilst NOT making any plans to spend time with God or to pursue Him in any manner, He just silently came and dropped it into my spirit…Dennis, I cannot bless you with a wife before you stop putting Eve in front of Me. Man does it suck to hear that and to know it’s from Father. I actually felt sick, and to top it off, He gave me a scripture too…
Mat 6:33 but seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
So does this scripture now magically come and erase everything I feel for Eve? No, of course not, but now I am forcing my emotions to go under God’s will. In fact now it takes my emotions out of the picture, because emotions can sometimes lie! I will search for Him, and He says in scripture I will find Him…
Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jer 29:12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.
Jer 29:13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Jer 29:14 I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
This was the first time in my life I have had to let go of something because God says so. My cousin says I am giving up my “Isaac” and through your life you will have to give up a few of these “Isaac’s”; I have to walk away from Eve. My soul is weeping, I am feeling ill, It is like I am giving up my soul or something, but then again, when with pain is where we grow, where we change, where our character builds…so tonight I declare: God, this is my dream, this is my desire, I want a wife, a family; I want to belong to this union. I want the covenant of marriage, but God tonight I am walking away; tonight You can have my dream. I will pursue You; I want to know Your heart before everything else, You are My First Love!
Jer 17:5 thus says the LORD: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD.
Jer 17:6 He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.
Jer 17:7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.
Jer 17:8 He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
Jer 17:9 the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jer 17:10 “I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
This is no easy task, it’s hard, and I really feel like crying my eyes out, but I know God, I know how He deals with me, I know this is a season, this is a growth period, and in time this will also pass and I will have my dream, but for now it will not control me anymore, for now I have peace and I will not be in pieces!
I am a son of God Almighty, the creator of the universe, I am in victory, and I am here!
Thank you Lord!