I have done them all, or at least tried to. I have chatted up a storm for a quick fling “hunted” for a life partner, searched for a wife. I have cried myself to sleep on more occasions than a guy would want to admit to in this testosterone driven world we live in…for what?
And the truth is after all that, the only thing that I could get out of it was that I am human, I can hurt, I can feel: in every essence of my being , I (like all macho’d, buffed up men) contrary to popular believe possess a heart with blood, meat, veins and all those things that make it tick and I promise you, oh boy, can it hurt!
I have been batted from point A to Z. I have been tossed and turned in the excessively hot cauldron of so called lost love…blah, blah, blah! “It seems you just not meant for real relationships “a voice would whisper in my ear and an irrevocable feeling of my increasingly disability as a man would constantly taunt me.
My whole identity was bound up into one big bouncy ball called “RELATIONSHIP” and it sucked because I was not getting one…
This brought me back to Christ to somehow again figure this out from square one. Why was I not getting this right God? Do You not want me to be happy, may I not have that sense of belonging, that sense of mattering to someone else (mom and dad does not count) why do I have to struggle like this? It drove me insane, I was questioning myself the whole time, my faith, my intention, my heart for God and His work in and with me.
Then a while ago, I started receiving revelation, things started to clear up. It was actually quite simple. I cannot be in a relationship with a woman until I can be in a relationship with God. That is the only way He will trust me with any of His daughters hearts.
So did this now miraculously take away my need or want for a girl to like me? Pffft…NO! But it placed everything in perspective. The Bible says seek first the kingdom of God and then everything else will be added to it. Hence why, I am searching, and it is tough at times and easier at other times, but I know that God has a great plan for me, it all depends if I am going to let Him work it out for me, or if I am constantly going to interrupt Him and do my own thing for a while again.
My prayer for this week is total submission to God and His path. I want to be the guy that God can trust with His daughters. I want to be the guy that listens when He talks and I want to be the seeker of His Kingdom with or without a person holding my hand.