I do not know!!
It is freaking me out at the moment because I know the answers, all the Christian clichés, all the bible verses, I have it all, but somehow it is not getting connected to my heart. The knowledge is there, but there is no energy behind it.
I find myself looking for satisfaction in places that no “good Christian” should be in!! Thinking of things nobody should be! What is that? A good Christian…? Can you even be a bad Christian? I …what am I, where do fit? Why do I carry on this road leading nowhere when I know it is leading nowhere?
I need to get back to basics, I need to get back to my Father, I need to just get with the program. At some stage the choices I make cannot be all blamed on satan, yes he has some power, but he is only as powerful as I make him. That is the scary part. I am opening the doors his goons come through. I hate it! It is like banging your head against the same wall every time knowing it will hurt, but for some or other reason I do it again and again and again…
I live this life of perfection…and guess what… It is fake!! It is a façade, a mask I put on so the world would accept me and not judge me, while I walk around judging everybody else on things I myself cannot even fathom? How dare I do this, who do I think I am?
I want to look so together, but I’m falling apart, I want to come across so holy and pure, but my inside is taken over by deception. I want to be the perfect Christian but every time I need to make the hard choices I fail!! I am not as awesome as I thought I was…
I am human, I make mistakes, I hurt people and I suck sometimes…actually I suck a lot of times…
So this is it …I cannot change this behaviour on my own. I need help!
2Co 12:10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Please Lord; take from me my life, because I don’t have the strength to give it away to you Jesus!!!